pain

I expected to cry saying goodbye to David and my mom when I was on the gurney rolling off to surgery. I think I watch too much Grey’s Anatomy. It’s not like I was going to die! And yes, I am one of the few that still watches Grey’s Anatomy. Do not judge.

But I didn’t cry. Maybe because I was already loopy on a sedative and nerve block but also because I wanted to be strong for my people.

I didn’t cry when I got out of surgery either. I was on painkillers. Plus I wanted to be strong for myself. Although I did want to cry when I had to urinate in a bedpan in front of David because it was too soon for me to walk. But now I just laugh thinking about it.

My mom left after the surgeon came to the waiting room to report back that all went well – David’s orders. She had to be home for Mikie and she will kill me for sharing this but she can’t drive in the dark anymore! So while I was disappointed she wasn’t in the recovery room when I woke up, I was relived she was where she needed to be and FaceTime would solve that.

I felt pretty ok until I tried to walk that evening. The nurse told me to give it a try and that it was a goal to get moving on the day of surgery. I knew this was typical. While I didn’t think I had it in me, we attempted to do a lap around the floor. I was halfway through when David asked if I could keep going and I said, “if my dad did this the day after brain surgery, I can do this after breast surgery!” So while I wanted to cry, I was strong for my dad.

I cried when I didn’t expect it. David was scrolling Seamless looking for dinner options when I glanced in the hallway and saw a middle aged man and woman holding hands and looking determined to find someone they were there to visit. I made some assumptions in my loopy head –  they were a married couple and their child just had surgery. In that moment, I cried.

I cried because I realized my mom and dad would never be together again looking for me or looking after me for that matter. My heart truly broke in that moment – but not just for me. It broke for my mom because she is juggling life like she never has before. It broke for Mikie because as much as he loves all of our family and friends, who are pitching in and helping out, I know he misses my dad. And it broke for David because I know he would do anything to give me my dad back even for just a minute.

It’s just kind of ironic because all I wanted my entire adult life was to find someone to love and take care of me in times like this. So I almost feel like a hypocrite now that I have my partner in life, and I all I want is my dad. I never imagined having one and not the other.

After that night, I went straight into recovery mode. We went home the following day and the next couple days were a bit of a blur. I did my physical therapy exercises when I could but my pain meds acted like sedatives in the beginning so there was a lot of sleeping and incoherent conversations.

It wasn’t until this past Sunday that I partially ‘woke up.’ My cousin came to town with her family and I walked the most I had since surgery and I think went the longest time without a nap. It took a lot out of me but I needed the push. After a mid-afternoon nap, David and I went for a stroll in the East Village with no intention of having dinner out – I still had my drains and was in sweats and an oversized button down– but we strolled by a popular restaurant that appeared empty. While I wasn’t entirely up for it, we went in. After sitting for about 30 minutes, we remembered it was Easter Sunday. Duh. We bantered about what we were doing a year ago and it all really hit me again the same way it did that night in the hospital.

On Easter 2018, David and I drove to my dad’s restaurant, Lambertville Station, to meet my family for Easter brunch. It was only the second time they were spending time with David but we were already in love and practically living together at my apartment. It was before we knew my dad’s cancer was back. I can picture us all sitting at a round table in the dining room and my dad looking so proud – his daughter finally found someone, Mikie was behaving, my mom was thrilled we were all together. Looking back (and sounding completely overdramatic), it’s the closest thing I will ever get to experiencing the end of the movie “Something’s Gotta Give.” One of my family’s all-time favorites. Who doesn’t adore Diane Keaton? Add the special needs brother and remove the baby. ;)   

My dad wanted to show David the rest of the property which includes an Inn that is also a wedding venue. David made a few jokes about marriage. My parents were glowing with glee. It was an idyllic day hence my movie reference. My mom ran back to my car after we all dispersed to take a picture of David and I together to show her girlfriends.   

 It’s a year later and it’s just insane to me how much has changed. And maybe even scarier, all that has happened since my dad died.

Reading back, not much of this has to do with my surgery at all. And I am worried that I haven’t even scratched the surface of that emotional trauma. But I guess it’s just one day at a time.

So, as of Tuesday, I’ve cried twice times since surgery and neither had to do with my breasts. Am I in physical pain? Yes, but sometimes it’s the existing emotional pain that hurts more and makes you forget you even have cancer.  

But since this is a “cancer” blog, here are some updates and glimmers of hope to share: 

-       My margins were clear, meaning there were no cancer cells at the outer edge of the tissue that was removed.

-       My lymph nodes tested negative for cancer meaning the cancer most likely did not spread but since I’m triple negative we will move forward with chemo regardless unless some breaking science innovation comes up in the next few days.

-       My drains were removed on Tuesday morning, a huge hassle off my (and David’s) plate.

-       The open wounds from the drains keep me from fully showering for another two days.

-       I love this because I can get more blow-outs but I hate this because I want to shower.

-       My expanders were partially filled during surgery because of the condition of my skin which has been a huge plus because they are practically my natural size.

-       And per the picture, they were able to keep my nipples.