mom

My mom and I have a deep, yet complex, relationship.

I think our bond was solidified when I was about two and my baby brother Mikie stopped breathing on a walk through the neighborhood. It’s blurry but I do have the slightest memory of standing at the back window waiting for the ambulance to arrive at my mom’s request while she attempted CPR.

After that traumatic experience, we were inseparable. I was my mom’s sidekick and somehow as the years went by, we became best friends. As early as the age of 8, we would have conversations about life, the future and go on epic shopping trips. Mikie took up a lot of my parents’ time so as much as they did for him, they tried to give me just as much or even more attention. And because I saw what they were going through, I did my best to behave, be responsible and be the ‘easy’ child.

But as close as we were, my mom and I were the furthest thing from perfect. My dad would tell my mom that we fought like sisters and at times, we really did. And we continue to do so.

This past summer, my mom and I were in the car on our way back to the house from a day at the hospital visiting my dad and I asked her where this experience ranked in the top three most defining moments of her life. It’s a bizarre question and as soon as I asked I regretted it. I was asking my mom to compare watching her husband suffer stroke after stroke to other earth shattering moments in the her life. Most notably, my brother Morgan’s death but also the moment she gave birth to Mikie and he was whisked away from her before she could hold him, and the moment he almost didn’t make it while I was watching out for the ambulance that day.

But instead of dwelling on all of these moments, my mom laughed. She literally gasped and then laughed and we then we both laughed. It was an absurd question but I think I wanted to know if the good moments could outweigh the bad. Maybe in that moment of inappropriate laughter she taught me that it could or that we would find a way to make it.

With everything my mom has given me – and she has given me a lot of material things, for example, the handbags that we “share” (wink, wink) – the most important thing she has given me is being an example of resilience and determination. My childhood wasn’t perfect and I saw things that I’m sure my mom wishes I hadn’t but I also saw the amazing things she did for our family. And I’m thankful for that.

What’s hardest now is that my dad isn’t here to remind my mom that we aren’t sisters. He isn’t here to be the buffer when we speak to each other outrageously and to be our neutral ground. He also isn’t here to just throw his hands in the air and tell us both we are crazy.

So as you can expect, it hasn’t been the easiest of times for my mom recently. The other day, she wasn’t able to make it to one of my doctor’s appointments and I could tell she was on the verge of tears. Whenever I feel down, she tells me to write so I decided to challenge her back. I told her how I’m getting so much out of sharing what I feel – it’s a release. I recommended she write something, anything. And she said, where do I begin? I said, start with that and see where you go!

In honor of Mother’s Day, here is Tina’s writing that she asked me to share.  

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Where do I begin, Mackenzie?

They say don’t be best friends with your daughter but how can you not with my Mack? We can argue like sisters, as my husband has said. And we have! I love her more than life.

My husband and I had three very different children as Mack (I’m allowed to call her that) said in her eulogy for her father. Very different indeed. The first (Mackenzie) looked like a monkey as a newborn, the next (Mikie) had a lot of medical problems which Mack handled so well, and the last one (Morgan) dealt with his share of issues in his too-short life. She is the best big sister. I am so proud of her. She would come home if there was ever a problem with one of the boys.

She spent so much time with us during Michael’s hospital stays and David would man down the house. I’m just so glad she still has a job, her friends and her life.

As David says, she handles all of this with such grace and love and humor. I seriously wish I could be more like her.

She asked me back when Michael was in the hospital what the three most defining times of my life were and we just started laughing hysterically. But Mack’s most recent health issues may be the one that does it to me.

Mack, all I want is for you to be ok. I will be a rock for you like you have always been for me. I love you more. Your father loved you so much, I sometimes think more than the rest of us. I know Morgan is looking down and Mikie has stepped it up incredibly, all for you. I’m just hate cancer so much because of how it’s affected our family. But in a way it’s only brought us closer. I didn’t think we could get any closer. I also have gotten a lot closer to David. Obviously I love and trust him because you are there getting great care and he’s caring for you. So David thank you so much! ️

- Mom