eggs & embryos

I’m going to share a not-so-big secret about myself. I am an avid Today show fan. My old roommate teases me for it, my boyfriend teases me for it and my partners at work tease me for it when I want to pitch them a segment. However, I watch every morning and have since I moved to New York. I love Savanah and I still miss Natalie. Someone once told me I looked like her. Compliment of the century. You may find this absurdly creepy now, but back then, Matt Lauer reminded me of my dad. For obvious reasons, not so much anymore... 

For the past two weeks, the Today show has been on fire in the baby department – it seemed ironic since it was Infertility Awareness week at the end of April but it worked out in their favor. Hoda had just announced the week before that she adopted another baby and the hosts were still celebrating. Jenna Bush Hager shared that she was pregnant with her third and Dylan Dryer talked about her struggles to have a second. Even Jill Martin chimed in about freezing her eggs while she focused on her career. And there were various pre-recorded segments about infertility as well.   

I watched every day and every day I had a new mix of emotions. I couldn’t necessarily relate with any of these women’s stories and that made me wonder if I deserved to have a voice in the conversation. I’m not trying to get pregnant, I’m just trying to preserve for my future life post-cancer – but what if I’m  struggling trying to do that?  

My latest fertility cycle was on par with my first solo outing two years ago. The day of the retrieval I was told seven eggs were retrieved. To be honest, I was relieved at this number because my scans going into the retrieval were not exactly glowing. I was being such a Miranda from ‘Sex and the City’ – my left ovary was having a lazy month. And there were about eight eggs in my right ovary going in to the procedure. Seven seemed like a total win. As some of you may have seen on my IG stories, I was happy but hesitant to celebrate because I knew there was a chance that they were not all mature.

What I didn’t share on IG or on this space is that David and I made a big decision, and you could say commitment, prior to starting the cycle. After reviewing the pros and cons, we realized it made the most sense for us to increase our odds at parenthood by fertilizing the eggs and freezing embryos. This decision was not made lightly. And that’s part of the reason I didn’t share at first. We aren’t married and I didn’t want to be open to criticism. 

David wasn’t with me at the fertility appointment when my doctor brought up embryo freezing. Some friends had mentioned it before but I didn’t know if there was any real benefit so I didn’t think it was necessary for him to attend. Turns out, it is recommended because the thawing process for embryos has a substantially higher success rate than eggs.

I was so overwhelmed after the conversation with my doctor that I called my mom and cried. I was in the midst of scheduling my double mastectomy and there were already so many moving parts. I thought my fertility was something I would own and handle and be accountable for in a certain way. Making this a joint effort changed the dynamic and worried me.

How could I put something else on David? I feel constant guilt for everything I have thrown at him already. In less than a year and a half, our relationship has already endured my dad’s quick health decline, his death, aiding in the care for my mom and brother and my cancer. I wouldn’t be surprised if David’s friends and family suspect this is all a hoax! And now I’m going to throw a (frozen) baby at him? Would this be the straw that broke the camel’s back?

And while I initially considered not even broaching the topic of embryos with David (and sticking with eggs), that didn’t feel right either. I couldn’t keep him out of a decision that affected our future. And that’s when I realized, this isn’t just about me anymore. And the fact that we’ve survived what we have means that we can survive much more.

I’m not going to share David’s story for him so I’ll just leave it that we were on the same page. While we both had hesitations about the prospect that we were ‘playing God’ (and he was not someone we were trying to cross), we chose what would bring us the best possible outcome. So we signed our lives away a.k.a. we signed the consent forms a.k.a. we officially became “partners.”

And that brings us to Saturday April 13, the day after the egg retrieval. The office called to let us know that five eggs were mature enough to be fertilized with David’s sperm and four embryos made it overnight. There is a week time period for further harvesting.

Half of the embryos made it to the following Saturday and were sent to a lab for genetic testing. I could write an entirely separate essay about the topic of genetic testing but we ultimately made the decision based on how it would best benefit my body. I have a special needs sibling and would never want him to think I would choose not the have him as my brother. We chose testing because IVF is still “new” and I need to protect my body from potential harm to me.   

One week after my surgery, we received the call that only one embryo is viable and will be frozen. This was not ideal news for the girls who was already struggling in surgery recovery. 

I have four eggs and one embryo. I sat in a breast cancer support group this past Thursday and the woman next to me has 19 eggs and a woman across from me has 18 embryos. Most likely, none of us will have any eggs left after chemo but in that moment I was jealous. Jealous of other women with cancer. That is insane!

With that said, I have a hard time wrapping my head around it all and identifying the emotions. I am happy and feel lucky that we have this one embryo but I’m also upset and mad and feel slighted. I’m disappointed and frustrated with my body. I worried about letting David down and have anxiety over the complete unknown ahead. Will we have a miracle baby with an egg that dodges the chemo bullet? Will we have success fertilizing the four eggs I have frozen? Will the embryo(s) we have successfully take and lead to a healthy pregnancy? I know nothing good comes out of stress but I can’t help but wonder how it will play out. I also can’t help be wonder how long it will take to play out before I need to have my ovaries removed – I will not risk another avoidable BRCA1 cancer scare. I think I could have moved on if we had both embryos but we don’t. And one embryo doesn’t give me the peace of mind that I would like to have.

So we aren’t going to give up, even though we’ve both said it would be easier if we did. Jacking myself up with hormones while being poked and probed is not what I want to be do before I start jacking myself up with chemo. A mini vacation would be great!? But no one ever said life is supposed to be easy and I’m not giving up without a fight. 

We are going to try one more time before chemo and then after that, it’s out of our hands. One more shot (no pub intended) and then life goes on and I will accept it. I’m mid-cycle, on day 6, and my retrieval will be this weekend or Monday at the latest. 

At the end of the day, I don’t know what my body is capable of and will be capable of in the future. I don’t know if it would have been easy to get pregnant if I didn’t have cancer. I don’t know if it will be easy to get pregnant with the preventative measures I’m taking. But again, what’s the fun in an easy life? 

All I know is that I’m managing my expectations (favorite saying). I’m preparing myself for what I’ve been warned of and I hope the precautions I’m taking work. In some way, this is all for the best because I wouldn’t have tried for another fertility cycle if I didn’t have cancer. And then I wouldn’t have this one embryo on ice, ready when I’m ready.

And hopefully one day when a young woman who is confused, scared and going through a similar scenario, they will have someone to relate to and I can tell her that everything will work out in the end. At least I hope that’s the case.