2019

Farewell, 2019.

It was quite the year and I am in awe of each and every moment that happened.

In chronological order...

I moved into an apartment and still haven’t finished decorating the bedroom.

I watched my father’s health regress & fail.

I watched him pass away, planned his funeral and said goodbye.

I had an abnormal mammogram, followed by tests and a breast cancer diagnosis.

I went through countless hormone injections over two fertility cycles with little success.

I had a double mastectomy.

I went on medical leave and took off five week of work.

I struggled with my new body and lack of sensation.

I underwent 8 treatments of chemo.

I lost my hair.

I went through a time of depression.

I forced my body into early and (hopefully) temporary menopause.

I had implant transfer surgery.

I waited for my body to recover again.

I spent the first holiday season without my dad.

That is one way to look at it...

However, it was so much more than that. 2019 was the hardest year of my life but changes and challenges create growth.

Because, also...

David and I moved into our first apartment together.

I accepted my dad was dying, spent the last two weeks of his life by his side and witnessed his last breath.

I talked myself into getting a mammogram even though it was the last thing I wanted (or felt I needed) to do.

I started a blog.

David and I created an embryo.

I had the cancer removed from my body along with all the breast tissue to help prevent reoccurrence.

I spent time on myself, wrote more than I ever had and shared my recovery in the most vulnerable way I could.

I worked full-time through chemo and learned how strong I am.

I met some of the most incredible doctors, patients, nurses & staff in the hospital waiting and treatment rooms.

I learned that I can pull off a shaved head.

I had my first photo shoot on the other side of the camera.

I conquered chemo.

I started seeing a therapist who inspired me to find a more rewarding career path.

I experienced my first Breast Cancer Awareness month as a survivor.

I spoke on my first panel.

I saw my hair grow back. Faster in some places than others!

I got new perky boobs.

I got engaged.

I started planning a wedding that I know my dad would be thrilled about.

I fell in love with SoulCycle again.

As of yesterday morning, I got my period for the first time in 8 months.

I’m no longer saying 2019 was the worst year of my life - it truly was the most important. While I would never wish this journey on anyone, I also don’t know if I would give up what I went through because it has shaped me into the woman I am and who I continue to strive to be.

With that, I’m finishing this year on a high note, as my strongest, most feminine self. And I’m finishing this decade of loss and pain with a fresh start, in more ways than one.

Cheers to 2020!